Living in the In-Between

“...the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Who I am...

I hate when someone asks me to tell about myself, who I am, or what I do. I feel like the cloud of pressure that often anchors itself above my head begins its liquid downpour, soaking me in insecurities.

Do I share that I am a mother or a military wife first? Will they think I put my children above my husband if my two little boys are mentioned before the love of my life?

Or do I spout off an informal resumé. When I mention that I am a writer I know the first question I’ll hear. It is, “Are you published?” I understand that’s along the same lines as asking a pregnant woman if she’s having a boy or a girl, but until I could answer with an emphatic, “Yes!” I hung my head in shame and doubt.

Maybe instead I’ll share about my adoration of my savior, Jesus. Would calling myself a Christian be enough of an answer to encompass who I am?

While battling with the idea of identity, whether someone else is asking me about it or I’m having my own internal dialogue, I’ve finally come to a moment of clarity. I’m going to throw out all my well-practiced answers and allow myself to be where I am. Just like you, I’m not where I used to be. I also haven’t “arrived” yet to that place in the future where I’ll never have self-doubt or cringe at criticism. I’m going to be comfortable with living in the in-between. I’m between being a really good writer and an outstanding one. I’m between always being on the verge of losing my patience with my children to being Michelle Duggar (19 Kids and Counting, although I’m not claiming she would call herself the perfect mother either). I’m between so many places in my life going, as Joyce Meyer often says quoting the bible, “from glory to glory.”

I see my life like an hourglass representing the past, present, and future. Each step in the right direction, each time I don’t quit working on a book that has me balling my fists in fury, each opportunity I say yes when I’d rather hide under the covers is like one piece of sand filling that hourglass. It’s bringing me one step closer to walking in the destiny I know is waiting for me. So, while I’m driving to a writer’s workshop, church, my children’s school, past the military check point, or simply grabbing my husband’s favorite dinner I’ll keep my umbrella with me.

I’m going to keep on making those little decisions that will usher me into my future. I'm going to be happy living in the in-between and not let that raincloud of insecurities deter me from my sunny tomorrows.

3 comments (Add your own)

1. Marisa Mohi wrote:
Good for you, Jen! I think it's hard as a writer to tell people what you do, especially when you don't have your name on the cover of a book. (Luckily, you're totally passed that point--congrats!)

Because writing forces you to be more introspective and aware of emotions, it's easy to get bogged down with the difficulties and failures we encounter, not just in writing, but in everyday life. It's important to remember to enjoy each moment and savor the victories of simply getting out of bed, getting our chores done, and putting a pen to paper.

Thu, December 20, 2012 @ 4:25 PM

2. Sarah wrote:
I love your honesty and humility. When I was still in college and told people I was going to be a writer I would get a lot of snide remarks. It's very difficult to be taken seriously, I hope to someday finish my education and be able to do what you do, just blogging until then and researching for my first novel! I love your blog!

Fri, February 1, 2013 @ 9:06 PM

3. Kayla Sprinkel wrote:
I feel the same struggle. In my short time of being married and new to the military life I feel like I have lost myself in my husband and son. When I am asked about myself they have become my description. It is nice to read that you can have your own identity in a world that revolves around your husband and his career choice. Love reading your blog when I feel like I sometimes go through the same, yet different, experiences!

Fri, February 19, 2016 @ 1:06 PM

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