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Fears of an Almost Published Author

I’m gonna get real for a minute. I’m in the final stages of editing my first book, Dancing on the Straight Edge. Although I was a ghostwriter (and even have my name on the cover of a few titles) my young adult fiction book is all me. And I’m freaking out.

Recently, I met with my friend Erica. After I shared with her about how well things are going she asked me why I looked like I was going to throw up. Instead of smiling with the state of my book I wanted to bury my head in the sand to stop the panic attack I’ve been pushing off for a while now.

Erica told me how she keeps bragging to people about how she has an author as a friend (or soon to be author). She’s read and loves my story (and she’s one of those people who tell it like it is so I know she’s not lying).  So, what’s my problem?

I had to dig deep to get to the root of the idea keeping me from celebrating this project that has taken me ten years to complete. Here is what I realized. Somewhere along the way I began believing the thought, “If you publish something the only result will be the world will now know how stupid you are.”

You see, I struggled in school. A lot. There’s a very good chance I have an undiagnosed learning disorder. I also had panic attacks when a teacher would call on me. I remember one student who always got in trouble for disrupting the class saying to me during a meeting of kids in lower level classes, “Oh, I didn’t know you are dumb like the rest of us.” I guess I looked smart, whatever that looks like.  

I wanted to quit writing Dancing on the Straight Edge countless times. I wanted to keep it hidden on my computer and not publish it. I wanted to keep from getting criticized. 

So, fast forward to now. The closer I get to sharing my first fiction story with the world the higher my anxiety is kicking in. But you know what I’ve learned this year with all the craziness thrown at me? 

So what if my first review turns out to be a one star with a comment reading “This is crap. Go back to ghostwriting.” So what if I never sell one copy. So what if I put my heart and soul into a story no one but me likes (and my friend Erica). I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

I learned I can complete an entire book. I found my voice as an author. And as soon as the book is ready to be published I will share it with the world knowing that I faced one of my biggest fears. I hate being in the spotlight, but there’s something I hate even more. Letting my fears get the best of me.

No matter what the fear, lie or insecurity is you are raging against in this moment-KEEP RAGING!

And when you’ve finally done that thing you are afraid of tell your story to encourage others to keep raging too.

1 comment (Add your own)

1. Jenn Ghigna wrote:
Jennifer, I have been right there with you as a struggling student and letting my fears hold me back in life. After years of therapy and a ton of personal growth and development I have learned that the feeling of almost vomiting in fear is a great feeling to have. You know why? Because it means you are living your life to the fullest and not letting fear stop you by guide you into the direction of what your life calling is. I can't wait to get my hands on your first published book. This rawness from this post proves you are where you are suppose to be friend.

Mon, May 29, 2017 @ 8:20 AM

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